I Suck On First Dates

Last night I met eDude for coffee. He and I were matched on eHarmony and we've been exchanging texts for the past couple weeks. Neither of us really asking the other person out, but more like feeling out if the other is interested and not really getting anywhere. I've never asked anyone out before because I'm too shy and my insane brain is convinced that I will be rejected. At least that's always been the case in the past. But for some reason I really wanted to meet this guy. I can't really explain why. We only talked on the phone once and it wasn't for very long. And although we had been texting, they were mostly superficial in content, i.e. How's your day? I don't understand it, but I was drawn to him. I just had to meet him. So finally I asked if he wanted to get coffee. And color me shocked, he accepts.

WOOHOO! This is awesome! I'm so excit.....SHIT! I'm actually going to meet him for coffee. How did I not understand this? Now I'm really getting nervous. What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm hideous? What if I trip and spill my coffee down my shirt? What if I have something in my teeth? What if he thinks I'm boring? What if he doesn't show up? My mind is spinning out of control and every negative thought I have about myself is all combined with how this man will see me and I cannot breathe. Then I hear my phone beep. It's a text. It's from him. It says "I'm nervous."

YIPPEE!!! He's nervous too. This is awesome. That one simple message from him alleviates all my worries (well most of them) and I am able to be a calm and rational human being once again. For a little while at least.

I go to the coffee place and meet him and he's adorable, sweet, funny, kind, handsome and has the most amazing eyes. He gives me a hug right away and I'm feeling OK. A little nervous, but that's normal, right? We go in, get our coffee and sit down. This is the point where every thought in my head vanishes. I cannot remember any of the topics I had thought of to talk about. I am barely speaking and he's doing all the talking. I try to think of something witty to say (I'd settle for something that didn't sound like Rainman) and can find nothing. My brain has vacated my body and I'm running on auto-pilot. I can see he's wondering if I'm retarded, shy, or just not interested in him. I desperately try to convey that I like him, but I feel like I'm in one of those dreams where I'm being chased by some monster and suddenly I can't move. I can only stand there in terror while the monster gets closer and closer and I struggle to move my pinkie, like that will do any good.

After about an hour we go back to our cars and stand there for a few minutes. I'm frantically trying to get my brain to figure out some way that I can convey my interest in this man and I come up with nothing. I just stand there. Trying to look not completely insane. I'm sure I failed miserably. Eventually he gave me a hug and said he'd call me, but honestly I wouldn't call me. I cannot seem to behave like a sane person if my life depended on it.

I wish I had some way to let him know that I really honestly am a nice person. I'm sweet and kind and funny and intelligent and warm and affectionate and INTERESTED IN HIM!!!

Although I think I blew my only chance. I suck on first dates.