Who are these people?

Me- I'm a 32 year old single woman. I have a decent-paying job, my own place, and am independent and responsible. I've been out of the dating scene for a while. I'm testing the waters now and finding that men can be confusing and infuriating.

FT- This is Fucktard. He's incredibly sexy and I am inexplicably drawn to him. Despite his verbal diarrhea, compulsive lying and blatant manipulation to try to get me into bed. He is the inspiration for this blog. Him and all the moronic and insulting things he says.

BB- Big Boy is a new acquaintance. Within the first 2 minutes of chatting he asked me what I was looking for in a man. I told him I wasn't looking for a man. I guess he doesn't believe me.

A Good Man

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with BB:

BB: so what do u think about me?

Me: i don't know you

BB: do u want to get to know me better?

Me: i already told you i'm not looking for a man

BB: i know i want to fix that. u need a good man too. u do and i want to be him

Am I being unclear? Am I sending mixed signals? All of our conversations go like this. I sound like a psychotic bitch and he keeps wanting to latch onto me. I really am a sweet person. I'm not always bitchy and psychotic. Sometimes I'm just whiny and neurotic.

Babies

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with BB:

BB: have any little ones?

Me: nope

BB: why not?

Me: because I don't want any. I'm not interested in having children and raising them alone. If I had someone in my life, maybe I'd want kids, but for now I don't

BB: we need to fix that

HOLY SHIT! I totally sound like a bitter old spinster. I'm really not. This man just seems to bring this out in me. First of all, why the fuck do you think I don't have kids? Not that it's any of your business. I guess I could have made something up. "I'm infertile" Maybe that would get him to stop asking why. I thought if I sounded a little harsh he would back off. No such luck.

And there is no "we" here. I don't see my childless situation as something that needs to be fixed. Especially not by someone I just met.

Come Home To Me

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with BB:

BB: don't u wish u had man to come home to?

Me: why would i want that?

How do you tread lightly when you have every fiber of your being telling you that this guy is just asking for a minuscule opening and he will insinuate himself into your life like a parasite? I don't want to be unkind, but I already told him I wasn't look for a man. I'm OK with being friends, but do we really have to have this conversation so soon? I just met you. No way in hell am I telling you where I live. You won't be coming anywhere near my house. Ever.

And who decided that I can't have a happy life without a man at my house? If he doesn't have a job and is just hanging out there waiting for me to get home then we have a problem. Unless he cleans and cooks. And looks like Jesse Metcalfe.

Don't get me wrong. I would absolutely love to find someone that makes my life better. But I refuse to accept that I have a shallow or unfulfilled life because I don't have a man standing next to me. And I'm really getting tired of men who suggest this as a means to get to know me. Offending me isn't going to make me want you. Unless you are FT.

Screw You

Since FT is going through a sane period (damn him), I've had to borrow material from my friend D.

**Backstory: D and The Wiz had seen each other at a club a few times. He finally asked her out and yesterday they met for coffee.

The following is an actual txt convo between D and The Wiz today:

The Wiz: i like u and i think u like me too

D: lol

The Wiz: u wanna know whats weird? i think i miss u.

D: Why do you feel like that?

The Wiz: just feel like i can't wait to see u again. so do u wanna go steady with me?

D: um... i don't really know you.

The Wiz: well then screw you.

What a gentleman. And I thought chivalry was dead.

I am so out of the dating loop. I'm starting to think the dating manual for men goes something like this.

#1. Go out on a first date with a stranger. You might have seen each other around a little bit, but you never had any contact or even knew each other's names so this is a first date.

#2. Casually mention in the same sentence that you have been to prison and that you have 4 baby mamas. The issue she asks about first is the touchy one. She's ok with the other. Besides you can always tell her you were joking later. Women will believe anything.

#3. Wait 16 hours and send a text expressing your deep and sincere interest in other person. Be sure to include something that tells her how she feels. Chicks love that shit. They can't think for themselves anyway.

#4. Ask for a level of commitment that was out of date on the Brady Bunch. She will think you are old-fashioned and safe. WAAHAAHAA! (evil laugh)

#5. Be rejected. How dare that bitch say no. Even if that really isn't a no, but a stall tactic, she's toast.

#6. Express your frustration so she knows what she's missed out on.

Makes me want to start all over with FT. Really do things right.

No wonder D has a "no touching rule."

Take Your Pills

I'm confused.

I've had several conversations with FT in the last few days and none have contained blog-worthy tidbits. Is he evolving? Growing up? Taking his meds? He's in the process of moving so maybe he's just exhausted by the time I talk to him. Does it work like that? Does the crazy take a nap when he gets really tired?

Is it sad that I miss his craziness? I don't really miss it. I just like having something to blog about. Hopefully he will be back to giving me new material soon.

Do you want a skull?

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:


FT: would you like a animal skull?

Me: no thank you

FT: its cool it has red lite bulbs in the eyes

Me: i'm still gonna say no. but thanks for the offer

WTF! Whatever happened to giving a girl flowers? A skull? Are you kidding me? How did he even acquire a skull? Probably the remains of some poor woman who ended up at his house in the middle of the woods. I'm sure it went something like this:

Oh he's a nice guy. He's just misunderstood. He needs someone to care about him and he'll be a wonderful man. I can help him. Wow he really lives out in a remote area. Must be nice to live around all this nature without any annoying neighbors. Hmm. His house smells a little funny. Maybe he's cooking something exotic. I think I just heard him lock the door. That cautious. Keep the wild animals out. Good thing he's so strong and brave. He'll protect me from anything bad. Oh he's back with a drink for me. That's so sweet of him. It tastes a little off. Maybe he ..... WHACK!

Yeah I'm sure that's it. I honestly can't think of any other explanation for the skull right now. Unless he's Indiana Jones. And I haven't seen him with a whip.

Dammit! I turned myself on. I just thought about him killing someone and within 10 seconds I'm back to wanting him. I need to get my head examined. Hopefully before it's just a skull.

Crash on my Couch

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: what r u doing this afternoon

Me: nothing i guess. you?

FT: i have a surprise in store for you

Me: what?

FT: hehe. i wanna see u. when i call you this afternoon be ready

Me: be ready for what?

FT: well if i don't get busy this afternoon would you like to hang out

Me: yes

FT: sweet. i'll give you directions to my pad then, for dinner. and u can decide if you wanna crash on my couch


#1. Why ask me out if you are going to include the phrase "if i don't get busy" because that's just rude. Either shit or get off the pot. It's one afternoon/evening. Are you really that much in demand? This also tells me that I'm clearly not any kind of a priority for you. I really should have immediately said no. Yet in my stupidity I've managed to rationalize this comment. Oh he just wants an out in case I turn him down. Less damage to his fragile little ego. Yeah right.

#2. If we've only met once, is it really appropriate to go to his house for dinner? He lives 40 miles away in the middle of fucking nowhere. Exactly the type of place serial killers like to prey on their victims. I'm assuming. Since I haven't seen his place I can't say for sure. But I have feeling it's the perfect place to dismember and bury a body.

#3. Is dinner just an invitation for sex? Is he really making dinner or is it just going to be mac & cheese? Or pizza? Why can't we go to a restaurant? Some place with lots of people. I might need witnesses.

#4. Why in hell would I need to stay the night? Is he planning on drugging me? Getting me drunk so I can't escape? If this really is just about sex, then why would I sleep on the couch? Would I get kicked out of bed after he's finished? He's not even gentleman enough to give me the bed? Maybe I wouldn't want to sleep on the bed anyway, what with all the cum stains.

Male Friends

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: so what did u do when i was gone

Me: talked to a friend

FT: which one

Me: my friend in long beach

FT: male friend

Me: no

FT: alright

Me: i can't have a male friend?

FT: nope. i am. and soon to be ur best friend. u know i want u

Me: you think i can't have a guy friend without wanting him?

FT: sorry i get jealous at times

Me: jealous is ok. no reason to be though. i'm not talking to anyone else the way i talk to you.

FT: please dont

Me: why would i? i'm not like that. how many woman do you talk to? many? are you keeping your options open?

FT: ur cute. marry me one day

I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard. Let me try to figure this one out. You want me to think you want to marry me so that I won't talk to any other guys, but you can talk to whomever you want? You do remember that we've only met in person once, right?

Do you think he knows that the reason he's the only guy I talk to is because there is no one else to talk to right now? The moment someone sane comes along, I'm dropping him like a non-supportive bra. I hope. Please God. Let me drop him. What I really should be praying for is for that sane guy to come along. Although to be honest, I'm starting to doubt there are any sane ones out there. Hence why I'm stuck talking to this piece of social retardation.

Yay me!

Negotiation Techniques

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: my way of negotiation is kick ass, kill, cuss out then find the answer

Me: hmm. maybe that's not the best technique in all situations

Do you really need to cuss someone out after you kill them? That's gotta be worse than kicking them when they're down.

Perhaps I should be cautious when it comes time to decide what we watch on TV. Surely a little Sports Center won't kill me.

Big Foot

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

Me: i like a man with a hairy chest

FT: i love a hairy body like Sasquatch but i don't like hairy balls or a hairy head

Should I be concerned? It sounds to me like he's more interested in Steve than Mary. Who likes that much hair? Yes it's manly, but come on. And his biggest concern is hairy balls? OK I might agree with him there. But all things in moderation.

If he's talking about himself, then he shaves his head and his nuts. If he's talking about what he likes in a significant other? Well, then I can stop plucking my chin hairs. Score!

Down side, I might have to grow a penis.

You Hurt Me

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: u hurt me

Me: how did i hurt you?

FT: u made me feel like u used me to get close to u then you dont even make a effort to meet again when i gave you plenty opportunity to hang out again

Me: how did you give me opportunity to hang out. Did you ask me to do something?

FT: i gave you suggestions and, you were like nah giving me excuses. yet it was cool, that you decided to drink and got busy when i was giving u hints to hang out

Me: hints? why don't you just try asking me

I must not be aware of how this whole "dating thing" works. I thought one person asked the other person out to do something. Dinner, movie, sporting event. Something. I guess it's now SOP to just say "hey, what are you doing" and interpret that as an offer for a date. Call me old fashioned, but I like to know what we would be doing before I commit.

Unless he just wants to hang out at his house and have sex. I can see how that would be a difficult thing to articulate. "Hey, what are you doing? Wanna come over and watch the mirror on my ceiling?" Yeah, it just doesn't quite flow off the tongue.

Love Me

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: u forgot to call me

Me: lol did you want me to call you?

FT: yes you told me u were going too. That’s ok that u forgot

(NOTE: I did not say I was going to call)

Me: you could have called me

FT: what for, if you told me u were gonna call me

Me: sorry

FT: next time don’t forget

Me: sure. What did you do today?

FT: i went to the art supply store for that drawing seminar. and it was the reason why i expected u to call me last nite. nope u thought i wasnt worth ur time

Me: that's not what i thought. i'm sorry.

FT: u could have called me. i stayed up purposely to wait for ur call to invite you with me this morning, instead you had a blonde moment and, decided not to call me

Me: i'm sorry i upset you

FT: you could have called me. Anytime. it would be ok if u woke me up. just call me

Me: sorry

FT: instead i ended up looking foolish. That’s okay

Me: how many times do you want me to say i'm sorry? if it was that important, you should have called me

FT: love me

Do you think he's bi-polar? Is he on meds? Should he be? Should I be? He makes me crazy and I still talk to him. Who's the nutzo one now? Huh?

How can I like someone who is so clearly unbalanced? Or is he sane and I'm unhinged? He's made my whole world go upside-down. And I kinda like it. On the days when I'm not trying to gouge my eyes out with spoons.

You owe me

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

Me: you still mad at me?

FT: no. but u owe me a relationship

How in hell do I owe him a relationship? Because I talk to him? If that's the criteria, then I owe lots of people relationships. Normally he seems to be under the delusion that we already have a relationship. Maybe relationship is code for sex. Is he saying I owe him sex? Still doesn't make sense to me. We talk so I owe him sex? Again, I'd owe lots of people sex. This is confusing.

New Chapter

The following is an actual IM comment from FT:

FT: think of this as a new chapter in ur journey

A new chapter in my book? A new leg of my journey? Why does my journey have to have chapters? How many chapters do I get for my whole life? I'm not sure I want to dedicate an entire chapter to this guy. How about a page? Maybe a paragraph?

UPS is like fight club

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: ups has their own internal system on seniority they hold fights during breaks. even for drivers. fist fights

Me: i doubt that

FT: ever wonder why union 396 is highly protective for their drivers loaders and unloaders. yes i know, i used to be a unloader when i was 17. and my friend tells me everything at ups

Me: is it like fight club? i love that movie

FT: of sorts. with politics

Me: do they take their shirts off?

FT: sometimes. ups workers and ups drivers are a politically motivated gang. they're gangsters hun. its a code of silence. its a reason why, ups is managed by corporate fucks, and gangsters its a social experiment

Me: as long as they get my package delivered i don't give a fuck what they do

Am I drinking crazy juice? Is this common knowledge and everyone knows about this except me? And if I thought UPS drivers were hot before, now, knowing that they engage in Fight Club antics during lunch makes me drool even more.

Claim Me

The following is an actual IM comment from FT:

FT: my goal is to have u claim me as ur boyfriend

What does this mean? How would I do this even if I wanted to? Does it involve a flag? Maybe a ticket? I don't understand.

Is this comment supposed to make me think he wants me as his girlfriend? Is it reverse psychology?

If I figure out how to "claim him," can I disown him later?

Does he want me to start thinking of him as my boyfriend so I'll sleep with him?

Does he even know what being a boyfriend is?

And if this is his "goal" what is he doing to achieve that goal? Is he asking me out? No. Is he calling me? No. Maybe he's just an underachiever.

Aliens Attacked My Computer

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: are u there? i turned on my im and all of these logged messages were there. i didnt even get on last nite

Me: You didn't talk to me at all on yahoo yesterday? Is that what ur saying? So I wasn't talking to you last night? It was someone else

FT: nope and i changed my password six times. it wasnt me. the person almost hacked my pc

Me: That's very strange. Whoever hacked ur yahoo talks just like you.

The night before we had a lengthy discussion followed by a disagreement. He knew he pissed me off when he said I was almost 35 and needed to get laid. I'm only 32. Don't make me older than I am. And I'm sure I do need to get laid, but insulting me will pretty much guarantee you won't be the one to do the deed. I guess he had no choice but to say someone hacked his computer. That way he isn't accountable for what he said.