It's a Chopper Baby

I think last week's dates went as far as they are going to go. And I'm OK with that. I really liked eDude, but if he doesn't feel the same, I'd rather get over it and find someone else to spend my time analyzing and obsessing about.

Tonight I have a date with a biker. He might not call himself a biker, but I think he kinda looks like one. I don't have anything against bikers. In fact I spent my entire senior year of high school obsessed with Bruce Willis. But you have to admit he was amazingly hot in Pulp Fiction. And I think the chopper just increased his appeal for me (I know BW isn't really a biker either).

I admit that I don't actually know any bikers so all my information about them is what I have seen on TV and in movies. I assume them to be tough, gruff, strong, a little mean, and have great boots. I think the boots are like a membership requirement. Biker dudes always have sweet boots.

But I digress. This biker that I'm meeting tonight doesn't seem like my typical vision of a biker. He's incredibly sweet and caring and generous. He talks about his feelings and seems genuinely interested in mine. Maybe bikers are a misunderstood group. Maybe he's just a different kind of biker. Maybe he's not really a biker but I just think he looks like one. Regardless, he better have sweet boots or I'll be disappointed.

Dammit! I just got an email from eBoy. Does this mean he's interested or just bored? Could go either way.

Is it a bad sign?

Is it a bad sign that I had to initiate conversations with the 2 eMen I went out with last week? It is, right? No matter what I tell myself (like he's just busy or he's shy) the truth is that neither is interested in me. SHIT! And I really liked eDude.

Oh well.

I don't want to waste my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. If I say that enough I might believe it.

Juggling eDates

I might not be cut out for eHarmony. I understand that it's a dating site. I understand that I am paying money to participate. I understand that the more matches I get the more I am getting for the money I am paying. I truly understand this. And I have no problem when I am viewing profiles. The challenge comes when I am talking to more than one person. I already mentioned eDude and the disastrous date we went on. I did hear from him the next day. I sent him a text saying that I had a good time and he responded that he did too. There was a little back and forth about how our days were going and then we both stopped texting. I don't know what this means. Is he interested? Is he just being polite? Is he considering changing his number to get away from me?

As I am pondering everything I said or should have said with eDude, I get a message from eBoy. We have been emailing each other multiple times a day for more than a week. Yesterday he asked me out for a drink. Before I even thought about it, I had answered yes. SHIT! How do I remember what I know about eBoy and not get it confused with what I know about eDude? What if I am as retarded on this date as I was on the date only 16 hours ago? And by going out with eBoy am I closing the door on eDude? I'm just not cut out for the juggling thing (I realize that 2 dates is not juggling).

I drive to mid-town to meet up with eBoy and I am surprisingly calm. I'm not even remotely as nervous as I was the previous night. I don't understand. Why am I not nervous? Did I use up all my nerves and now there aren't any left? Do I just feel more comfortable with this man? Do I feel more like friends with him so I don't really see this as a date? I don't know.

I walk into the coffee place and he's sitting there waiting for me. He's cute, nice, intelligent and sweet. We proceed to have an hour of amazing conversation. A real conversation. I was telling him about my job and he asked very interesting questions. I really felt like he heard what I said and internalized it and asked questions because he was interested. It was so easy to talk to him. The hour flew by and before I knew it the shop was closing. He walked me to my car and said he had a great time and we should do it again. I agreed and we parted ways.

It was a lovely evening, but I'm starting to wonder if my lack of nervousness, although it allowed me to be more like myself and engage in meaningful dialogue, was a signal that I only view him as a friend. Do my nerves from the night before indicate a deeper attraction to eDude?

I guess now I just wait to see if either of them actually wants a second date.

I Suck On First Dates

Last night I met eDude for coffee. He and I were matched on eHarmony and we've been exchanging texts for the past couple weeks. Neither of us really asking the other person out, but more like feeling out if the other is interested and not really getting anywhere. I've never asked anyone out before because I'm too shy and my insane brain is convinced that I will be rejected. At least that's always been the case in the past. But for some reason I really wanted to meet this guy. I can't really explain why. We only talked on the phone once and it wasn't for very long. And although we had been texting, they were mostly superficial in content, i.e. How's your day? I don't understand it, but I was drawn to him. I just had to meet him. So finally I asked if he wanted to get coffee. And color me shocked, he accepts.

WOOHOO! This is awesome! I'm so excit.....SHIT! I'm actually going to meet him for coffee. How did I not understand this? Now I'm really getting nervous. What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm hideous? What if I trip and spill my coffee down my shirt? What if I have something in my teeth? What if he thinks I'm boring? What if he doesn't show up? My mind is spinning out of control and every negative thought I have about myself is all combined with how this man will see me and I cannot breathe. Then I hear my phone beep. It's a text. It's from him. It says "I'm nervous."

YIPPEE!!! He's nervous too. This is awesome. That one simple message from him alleviates all my worries (well most of them) and I am able to be a calm and rational human being once again. For a little while at least.

I go to the coffee place and meet him and he's adorable, sweet, funny, kind, handsome and has the most amazing eyes. He gives me a hug right away and I'm feeling OK. A little nervous, but that's normal, right? We go in, get our coffee and sit down. This is the point where every thought in my head vanishes. I cannot remember any of the topics I had thought of to talk about. I am barely speaking and he's doing all the talking. I try to think of something witty to say (I'd settle for something that didn't sound like Rainman) and can find nothing. My brain has vacated my body and I'm running on auto-pilot. I can see he's wondering if I'm retarded, shy, or just not interested in him. I desperately try to convey that I like him, but I feel like I'm in one of those dreams where I'm being chased by some monster and suddenly I can't move. I can only stand there in terror while the monster gets closer and closer and I struggle to move my pinkie, like that will do any good.

After about an hour we go back to our cars and stand there for a few minutes. I'm frantically trying to get my brain to figure out some way that I can convey my interest in this man and I come up with nothing. I just stand there. Trying to look not completely insane. I'm sure I failed miserably. Eventually he gave me a hug and said he'd call me, but honestly I wouldn't call me. I cannot seem to behave like a sane person if my life depended on it.

I wish I had some way to let him know that I really honestly am a nice person. I'm sweet and kind and funny and intelligent and warm and affectionate and INTERESTED IN HIM!!!

Although I think I blew my only chance. I suck on first dates.

Time for a Change

Recently I decided that the men I meet on MySpace and similar sites are not going to produce the desired results for me. I want to date a man with long-term potential who has a job, doesn't live with his mother and is not married. Sounds simple enough, right? Boy was I wrong.

Here is a brief summary of the last 5 men I connected with online:

1. Code Name: Stalker
   Pros: Owns his own home, easy to talk to, seems caring
   Cons: Lives in his own home with his wife, has a part-time job
   
   
2. Code Name: Boston
   Pros: Has a great job, easy to talk to, incredibly witty, makes me laugh
   Cons: Lives on the other side of the country, probably makes his wife laugh too
   
   
3. Code Name: New Guy
   Pros: Is sweet, loves talking to me and spending time with me
   Cons: Has no job, has no money, never wants to do anything but sit at my house and watch movies
   
   
4. Code Name: JonJon
   Pros: Has a job, owns his own home, enjoys talking to me
   Cons: Lives 1500 miles away, acts strange, suddenly stops talking to me
   
   
5. Code Name: Fucktard
   Pros: Talks to me, has an accent (how sad that my standards have dropped so low)
   Cons: Lives with his mother, has no job, is prone to violent outbursts, misunderstands almost everything I say, is certifiably insane

I have learned so much from these men. Mostly what I don't want (like dishonesty, deceit, wives), but some of them showed me things I do want. I want someone who is witty and can participate in an interesting conversation. Someone who enjoys being around me and talking to me. Someone who has made his own path in life and is successful at what he does.

Unfortunately although I view these experiences as educating, they all resulted in the same thing. Me crying into a pillow after he disappoints me yet again.

So I decided to try eHarmony. I know that it's not a perfect solution. And I know that there are still jerks and psychos and married men on there, but hopefully men who are willing to pay $30 a month for a dating site are a little more mature.

I'm just setting myself up for failure, aren't I?

FT is Dead

For the past 7 days FT and I have been trying to be friends. Well, I tried to be friends and he tried to get me to change my mind and sleep with him. It was a continuous struggle for power. He was saying more and more outlandish things to try to shake me. I kept trying to be clear that I was not interested in a romantic relationship, but would like to continue being friends. This lead to many disagreements that I would say were more like fights. He yelled and cursed and basically threw a tantrum when I didn't say what he wanted me to say.

Finally he ran out of ways to manipulate me directly, so he tried to manipulate me through my friend. He sent her a friend request on Myspace and said they had a mutual friend. Then he sent her messages saying he was concerned about me because I seemed down. My friend (who knows all the dirty details of things between FT and myself) told him I was fine and had moved on from him and that he should move on too. As you can imagine, he didn't like that so much. He got very angry and took it out on me. He said things about my friend that I cannot forgive. No one calls my friend shit like that to me. I got angry back at FT and told him what he said was unacceptable and that I was too angry about it to talk right now. He said OK and to call him when I was calm (which made me even more angry). I went home, forgot about the fight, went to bed.

This morning I checked Myspace and I have been deleted as his friend. I believe it is finally over. Assuming I don't pick at the scab and call him. I really want this to be over, but at the same time it gave me something to focus on. However negative that energy was. I may be as crazy as him.

Bitch, Party of 1

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: ummm what if i told u something. would u think i was crazy
Me: depends on what you said
FT: mmm maybe i fallen for u
Me: you have not
FT: are u sure. think about it
Me: if you honestly think you have fallen for me, then it's not me. i don't think you know me.
FT: lol i was teasing u. one of these days i wanna watch ncis with you
Me: why would you tease me? i don't understand
FT: i dont want to manipulate u
Me: i just don't understand. why would you say something like that? either you honestly feel that way and only said you were teasing me to make yourself less vulnerable or you were teasing from the beginning and didn't mean it which means you were trying to get some kind of response from me. which is it?
FT: huh. just never mind. i just wanna watch a ncis with u. my friend
Me: i don't understand you at all
FT: just please i want u as a friend. i can accept u dont want a relationship
Me: ok
FT: u do owe me a ncis lol
Me: i don't owe you anything.

What is his obsession with telling me I owe him? How exactly did his brain figure that out? Is that his way of controlling me? What happened to working on the control issues? Apparently trying really hard isn't working. Shocker.

Yes I took the express train to Bitchville. I realize I was not particularly kind in my responses to him. Why am I just playing with him? I know that a clean break would be best so why am I allowing this charade called "friends" continue? Maybe I just don't want to be the bad guy any more than I already am. Maybe I want him to decide he doesn't want to be friends with me. I might have succeeded. I don't think this friend thing is going to work. And I really think he's probably done now. What more is there to say? I don't think I will be hearing from him again.

The Negotiation

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: okay i am sure ur gonna freak out when i tell you this, i cannot hide from my emotion. i still want to have a relationship with you. i will change my antics, so u wont feel so odd. you got to my head, and yesterday when u gave me the news it made me feel bad.
Me: i dont know what to say
FT: i dunno either other than it makes me think if i didnt screw up i wouldnt be feeling bad and i can have u in my arms. i am genuinely sorry. i want u
Me: there is nothing to be sorry about. it just didn't work.
FT: damn, negotiating is hard with u

Is that how it works? I say we're done and he thinks it's time for negotiations? Do all men think this way? I don't understand.

No. I take that back. He doesn't understand. He had 3 months to show me his true colors and unfortunately I didn't like them. Don't men usually act on their best behavior in the beginning? Try to control the bodily functions and what not. I know I do.

If he had taken the time to get to know me instead of trying to get into my pants he would have realized that I can be stubborn and don't like people telling me what to do. Most of all, when I make up my mind about something there is no negotiation. He had 3 months to get to know me, and unfortunately he didn't even start.

I think maybe he's realizing it's over. I might not hear from him anymore.

Can We Be Friends?

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

Me: we need to talk
FT: why. what did i do wrong
Me: you didn't do anything wrong. i just did a lot of thinking last night. about my life and where i want it to go and what people i want to surround myself with
FT: its me being too rough, or because i do different stuff
Me: i need people in my life that encourage me and genuinely care about me. i think you are a nice guy, i just don't think this is going to work
FT: grrr. all right. if that is how u feel u do what u gotta do
Me: i appreciate that
FT: but i am putting u on the spot to find me a mate, who wont hurt me
Me: you want me to find you a girlfriend? i can't pick anyone for myself. i can't pick for anyone else
FT: gawd i think i will be depressed. we can still be friends?

I finally decided enough was enough. FT is never going to be the person I want him to be. And that's all my fault. You can't uncrazy someone no matter now much you want to. Especially if he doesn't think he's crazy. Although I think I might be crazy for allowing him to think for a second that we can be friends.

How do I get myself into these situations? Why can't I just say what I really feel? Maybe because it would be too mean. No man wants to hear "You are insane and you are making me insane. You cannot seem to grasp even the slightest bit of sanity to recognize that you are treating me badly. I am a person who deserves respect and courtesy. If you cannot manage to treat me at least as civilly as the gum on the bottom of your shoe then please leave me alone." I'm just guessing that might be a bit much for the ego. So now I'm stuck with the friend thing. Maybe. Who knows. Maybe he doesn't want to be friends. Maybe it's just his way of easing the blow. We will see.

Firecrackers

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:


FT: most bodyguards each feel a firecracker go off in their rigs
Me: Why?
FT: psychological purposes and to get rid of fear
Me: I went to the eye Dr last week. No matter how many times they blow that puff of air in my eye, I'm still afraid of it. Maybe it only works for firecrackers

I claim complete ignorance in all things bodyguard-related. My knowledge is limited to the movie "The Bodyguard" which means that I assume all bodyguards are horrific actors who are incapable of showing even the slightest emotion even during the "I Will Always Love You" song, which should make any grown man weep for at least 20 minutes. Clearly I am not tough enough for the secret service. Bummer!

Anger Management

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:


FT: i been working on my anger management issue. now i found out i have a control and possessive issue. it bums me out some
Me: what are you doing for anger management?
FT: talk and productive ways. but the control and possessiveness is something else i have to fix soon otherwise i will have no girlfriend
Me: so what are you doing for the control and possessive issues?
FT: try very hard not to be

I'm going to try very hard to win the lottery. I'm not going to actually buy any tickets, but I'm going to try very hard. That works, right?

While I applaud his ability to recognize a serious character flaw in himself, I wonder if he is sincere. Anger management doesn't seem to be the kind of thing you can just wish into existence. I also question his motives for telling me about his journey to self-improvement. Why do I constantly feel I'm being manipulated by him? Maybe that's just my own issue.

Size Matters

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

Me: i need coffee today. water isn't waking me up
FT: drink fifteen cups lol
Me: i don't think i need more than 1
FT: ok well get one. me i had too much coffee. 12 cups

Is it possible to have 12 cups of coffee in one morning? Here's another question. Is it possible for someone with an ulcer to drink 12 cups of coffee in one morning? I think maybe his cups are extra small.

The bigger issue is that if he's comfortable lying about his coffee consumption, what else is he lying about. Perhaps something else size-related?

I Love You

I got a call from FT last night. He sounded depressed and I think he called for a little pick-me-up. I'm not sure why he thinks I'm the person for that. We don't really have that kind of relationship. Oh that's right. We don't have any relationship. And the last month of severely limited contact has helped me to be less invested in the aquaintency thing we do have.

So he droned on about family problems and people giving him grief. I listened and tried to summon the emotion necessary to pretend to care. He really did sound unhappy and I don't like when people are depressed. Probably because I can fall into that pit so easily and I know how hard it can be to get out of it. I listened to him and tried to be supportive, but at the same time not lead him on. I thought I was doing a pretty decent job of being nice and caring without actually caring (too much).

Until he hit me with this bomb:

"I'm falling in love with you."

WTF? Where did that come from? Can you fall in love with someone you have only met once? And who you talk to for a few minutes a week? How does that work? Is he just more open to love than I am? Am I just an old, bitter spinster who will never know love?

Or is his use of the L word just a ploy for sex?

Yeah I think so too. And I'm not sure I care that it's a ridiculous manipulation just to get me into bed. Dammit! It might be working.

Of course I discussed this issue with my friend D. She's so full of wonderful advice. When I told her what he said, D responded with "Wow he's gay."

This morning, I got an IM from FT. He didn't sound so depressed.

Me: how ya doin today?
FT: better than the other day lol
Me: that's good.
FT: i just need to see u again thats all

I immediately informed D about this update. Here is my convo with her.

D: is he still falling in love wit u
Me: don't think so. must have been a temporary thing
D: HA! ask him on a date!!!!
Me: why?
D: jus kuzz sum1s gotta b getting sum action since i'm not....ur turn
Me: thanks
D: its the truth. we gotta keep the stories going 4 entertainment
Me: good point. so i should sleep with him so we have stories? good enough reason for me
D: if u must
Me: 1 problem. where do we do it? if we go to my house then he will stalk me and break into my house. his house? he'll chain me up in the basement. can we use your house?
D: ummmmmmmm negative

Anyone have a place we can use?

I Miss You

After a very long absence, the following is an actual Yahoo chat with FT:

FT: i miss u
Me: ur back online?

The answer is no. He's not online. OK yes he was, but only for about 10 minutes (thanks Starbucks for the free wifi).

I haven't talked to him in a week. We are now averaging 1 thirty minute phone call once a week. This might not seem that bad, but we only live about 20 miles apart. Why aren't we going out? Doing things? I wish I knew.

He doesn't do texts and doesn't return my phone calls for days (so I stopped calling him). I suppose I would call him a friend at this point, but really he's more like an acquaintance. Someone I only met once (2 months ago) and doesn't seem likely I'll ever see again. Let's be honest here, if he wanted to see me again, he would have. I obviously like him (against my better judgment) and want to spend time with him. But it's clearly not reciprocal. I accept that. I'm trying to at least. After our last phone conversation I pretty much decided I was done with him. Not that it was a bad conversation, it was just a catching up kind of call. There was no forward movement. I so decided I wasn't going to call him. I'm no longer interested (and if I tell myself this enough times I might believe it).

So today I get back to my desk from a break and I have a flashing light on my cell. I grab the phone to see who texted me and discover that it's really a missed call and voicemail message. Yup. He called me. At 10am. While I'm at work. It's good that I wasn't at my desk when the phone rang because I'm not sure I would have answered. What is there to say? And what do I want to say with a room full of nosy co-workers salivating over every syllable? Within 15 minutes he was online talking to me.

Why? I don't understand. Can't we just let this thing die? We do not have a relationship. And when he pretends that we do every time he calls he just annoys me. He has no right to be angry or jealous if I have a platonic male friend. Even if I have a non-platonic male friend. Or a non-platonic girlfriend. Whatever.

I just wish he'd make up his mind.

Shit or get off the pot.

You either like me and want to spend time with me or you don't. Clearly he doesn't. So now he needs to stop calling.

I'm really going to miss FT. Just not as much as I thought I would.

Razor Blades

The following is an actual Yahoo chat with BB:

BB: hi sexy (1)

Me: hi

BB: how is my girl doing (2)

Me: ok. how are you?

BB: i am good i miss u did u miss me (3)

Me: um (4)

BB: i want here ur voice (5) i really i talk to u on the phone (6)

(1) Sexy? You've seen one tiny grainy pic of me and we've IM'd 4 times. How desperate are you?
(2) I am not "your" girl. I will never be your girl. Which begs the question, why am I even talking to him. Short answer: FT is incommunicado and I'm starved for attention.
(3) How is it possible to miss something you never had? Never even came close to having? And how do I answer "no" without sounding like a complete bitch?
(4) I guess this is how. Say something vague and guttural and let the man interpret it any way he wants.
(5) Am I the only person who gets irrationally annoyed when people can't use the correct version of hear/here?
(6) Holy hell! If he talks anything like he writes I'll have to stick razor blades in my ears just so I don't have to listen to him. Or just never give him my number. That might work too.