The Final Word

Well I did it. Last night I sent my final message to eGuy. I wish I had been able to tell him exactly what I thought of him, how I felt about what he did, and how angry and hurt it made me. But I couldn't do it. I had even written a long rambling letter about how confused and disappointed he made me. In the end I decided that just getting the words out of me was a huge help. I didn't need to send that part. Instead, I sent the following:

I won't bother you anymore. It's clear you don't feel the same way about me as I feel about you. I wish it wasn't this way. I truly liked you and enjoyed spending time with you. I'm sorry things didn't work out. I hope you are happy and that you find what you are looking for.

I don't know why I felt compelled to have one last word. I just had to do it. After I hit "send" I felt like a weight had been lifted. I could put him behind me and concentrate on the new person I am talking to. Unfortunately this morning I checked to see if he had read the message. That was a mistake on my part. I should have just removed all traces of him from my computer. But I didn't and so I saw that he had read the message last night. And given me no response. Did I really think he would write back? I guess in some ways I did. I was still holding on to the hope that he had a good excuse for hurting me. That I wasn't just some worthless piece of shit that he couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge. That everything he had ever told me wasn't a lie told to manipulate me. So today, I'm not as OK as I was before. I know I will be, but today it hurts all over again. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I need to find solace in the fact that the person I thought I knew doesn't exist. The person I thought I knew would never have treated me like this. The person I spent time with was an impostor and it is a good thing that he is now gone from my life. I won't give him another chance to hurt me.

I'll Text You

I decided to give eGuy the benefit of the doubt and believe his "I got run over by a car" story. Yes I am a fool. Yes apparently I want to give this man another opportunity to hurt me. I have issues.

So I responded with something along the lines of "are you ok, what happened, etc." I received back the following message: I'm getting my phone replaced today. I'll text you when I get it

That message was sent to me on myspace on Wednesday. Today is Monday. I have heard nothing from him since. I replied to his message, sent him a text the next day, and tried calling him 3 days later. Nothing. Obviously I am that stupid. I just wish I knew what changed for him. He's probably hoping I will finally give up and stop trying to contact him. And I will. I just need to say one more thing to him and I'm done. Once I get this off my chest I'll be able to forget about him completely.

Hit By A Car

This whole eGuy thing has been so perplexing. My poor little brain simply cannot fathom why he would so abruptly shut me out. I was hurt and I needed some closure. So I sent him the following message on myspace:
Is there something I should know? Because I don't understand. I thought we were getting along so well. What happened?

I sent the message Monday morning and obsessively stalked my own sent mailbox to see when he would read it. If he would read it.

He did.

I received the following message at 11:30pm on Tuesday:
I just got home. I'm so sorry. I couldn't call because my phone was ran over. I got hit by a car Saturday night as I was taking my dog for a walk. I broke some ribs and have a concussion and a lot of bumps and scrapes. I hope you don't hate me. I don't have your number memorized. Again I'm really sorry!

Is this for real? He's never lied to me before (that I know of) and before this whole incident I definitely trusted him. So why am I skeptical? Is it because I've had 3 days to convince myself that he isn't the person I knew and cared for? That it was all an act. Is it because this is one of the most ridiculous excuses out there?

Although it does explain a lot. Am I a fool if I believe him?

The Invisible Man

I have no idea what happened. I am completely in the dark.

I have heard nothing from eGuy for 3 days. He has become the invisible man.

I realize 3 days is a relatively short period of time, but we had established a pattern of texting constantly every day. For my texts and phone calls to go unanswered is extremely unusual.

I really hope there is some extenuating circumstance that has made it impossible for him to contact me. But rationally I know that's not the case. If he lost his phone, he could still send me a message on eHarm or on myspace. And in fact his myspace says he was online on Sunday. I know, I'm a stalker. I just want to know what happened. He also knows where I live so even if he was completely cut off from all technology, he could still get a hold of me.

My conclusion? He doesn't want to get a hold of me. He's made that very clear. And I've spent far too much time crying over this and I'm done. If this is the way he behaves and how he treats someone he supposedly cared about, then he's not the person I knew. The man I cared about was kind and honest and wouldn't act like a 14 year old. Apparently the man I cared about doesn't exist.

Oh well. On to the next.

Passed Out

I've been seeing eGuy for a couple weeks now. Our work schedules aren't in sync so we haven't been able to see each other in person more than once or twice a week. But we've been texting all day every day. We don't go more than 2 hours without texting except when we are asleep. I really felt like I was getting to know him and connecting with him. I really liked him and thought just maybe I had finally found a decent and caring guy who actually cared about me.

Earlier this week we made plans to do something Saturday night. We didn't really talk about what we would be doing, but we had decided it would include alcohol. Neither of us mentioned it again. I figured we would meet up and then go from there.

On Saturday, I didn't get a text from him in the morning. That's very uncharacteristic. He always texts me in the morning. Around noon I decided to text him to see how he's doing. He responded that he was hanging out with family. We texted back and forth a little and I left him to enjoy the fam. I figured he would text me later.

Around 6pm I sent him another text. I thought we were doing something that night and I was surprised I hadn't heard from him. But I didn't get a text back. I waited and waited and still nothing.

I didn't get a text back until 10:30pm. He said "OMG I passed out!" What does that mean? Fell asleep or got drunk and passed out? I don't understand. He also asked what I was doing. I said I was "getting ready for bed." I had spent all night waiting for some communication from him. I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep.

I haven't heard anything from him since. I don't know if that means he is pissed because we were going to get together and I was already turning in for the night. Or if he "passed out" again. Does this mean that we are done? I really hope not because until this happened I really really liked him. I hope I am just misinterpreting what has happened and that we have a chance to talk about it because this is not at all like the person I grew to know and care about. Should I hang on or give up before I get hurt again?

When Can I See You Again?

I met up with eGuy (aka The Biker) on Friday night. We met for coffee after he got done with work, which was about 10:30pm. Of course I was nervous, but I'm getting to the point where I'm no longer devastated if someone I just met doesn't like me. Eh, maybe I'm growing up.

Anyway, we met, he gave me a hug, it was nice, we talked for 2 hours, then called it a night. I got in my car and drove home and thought about the evening. He was sweet, kind, respectful and courteous. All wonderful qualities that I require from people I spend any time with. He was also adorable, cute, funny, intelligent, and handsome. BONUS! We really seemed to click, but I rarely trust my own judgment anymore. I just can't seem to read the signs like I should be able to.

I went home, slipped into my pajamas and crawled into bed. I was reviewing the events of the night when I got a text from him. "I had a great time tonight." ACK! I wasn't expecting to hear from him so soon. What does that mean? I guess it means he had a good time. I responded with "Me too :)" I figured that was enough to let him know that I also had a good time, but without becoming my usual insane self.

I got back the following text: "When do I get to see you again?"

WOOHOO!!!! This must mean he really truly did have a good time and wasn't just being nice in the previous message. (see how my insane brain works?)

We made plans for the next day and I drifted off to sleep thinking that it's possible that for once I didn't come across as a raving lunatic on a date. Or maybe he just likes that.